読者です 読者をやめる 読者になる 読者になる

Chaos

f:id:muuu295:20151221231339j:plain

 

I’ve been thinking of what “life” is recently.

It’s interesting how every single person on this planet is living a different life. No matter how similar, it is different. Their minds, background, friends and families, physically and mentally. Actions are taken, difference is embraced and suppressed, hate and love is always at each others corner. It is a chaos, and that’s what life is made of. I think.

 

My mind is a chaos and I love that even though it’s not always a good thing.

Getting emotional breakdowns nearly every time I feel like my own life is nothing can be hard and I wish that things would be simpler. Thinking about the things you cannot do anything about and wanting to scream at the top of your lungs, that feeling is a torture.  But at the same time I love the way the endless thoughts getting tangled with each other, the words colliding, dreams and goals constantly changing and everything is a total mess.

 

A mess it may be, but it is what I call life and how I want it to be.

 

I am at a big turning point in my life and there is a decision that I must make now, going into the new year and I am asking myself everyday whether I should do this or not. Possibilities are all laid out in front of me and all I need to do is pick one up and do it.

 

There is a favourite quote of mine from a poem called The Summer Day by my favourite poet Mary Oliver, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

 

Life is wild. It is a chaos. Everything is, wherever you go, and you can do anything with it if you chose to. The moments we live this very second is one piece of a string, and that is being weaved every time I move my hands over the key and my mind trying to find the right word for the things I want to say.

 

I have so much I want to say. So many stories I want to tell.

 

Do it then. Do them all, right now. Let the imagination flow, the words written down, hearts dancing, adventures just around the corner.

 

Chaos is not a mess. It is a mess, which is called life.

 

英語で綴ると自分の書きたいことにより近い気がするのは、気のせいですか。語彙力もない、文法も全くダメ、でもだからこそ限られた枠の中で表現しようと思って書く。言いたいことが凝縮されている感覚がある。まどろっこしい言い回しも、やたらと難しい単語もない。シンプルに並ぶそのセンテンスには自由がある。その限られた枠での感覚みたいなものについて、村上春樹の『職業としての小説家』に書いてあってわかる!すごくわかる!って頷きながら読んでいた。

 

でも同時にもっと表現の幅を広げたいという欲張る自分もいる。どちらかを選ぶ必要はない。自由に描き続けるんだ。最近の自分の中のテーマです。自由と時間が限られているという感覚、そしてカオスについて。

 

この世界に存在する見えない法則、秩序や無秩序といった物理的な形として見えない現象のような、流れていく人の動きにとても興味がある。学びたいことがたくさん。どこまでも広がっていく。それはまさにカオス。人生勝手にワクワクしたもの勝ち。好きなことをしたもの勝ち。全てを逆手にとって楽しんで、スキップして、ゲラゲラ笑いながら、好きなだけ悩んで、それからまた動き出しながら瞬間に生きたもの勝ち。

 

 

muuu