little bit of my memory and how I ended up being like this.


Don't you just feel like throwing everything away, yet at the same time you want something so much but you can't have it and your heart hurts so much?

The constant "what if"s are there haunting me like after watching a bad horror movie.


I wanted to study abroad so badly. I mean it wasn't like going to a foreign country at all, at least for me. I started my school career in Australia when I was five or six and after I came back to Japan, this place I'm standing right now, it always didn't feel like home. After that I mostly spent my education in Japan.I moved too much, I didn't stay in one place for more then a year. It was hard. I couldn't blend in with the local culture and I was always the weird kid with funny perspective and crooked teeth.


Kids can be cruel. Teens can be even more cruel.

I got bullied at some point and then there came another school. It became normal for me to change school so often but I swore to myself, for university, I will choose where I want to go and will attend the school to the very end, until graduation.


But that is now a beautiful fantasy of mine tucked away in my own little world. I have been accepted to a university in Japan and am starting school this April but I am pretty sure that I will be not going by the end of this year because I am brewing another plan of mine. Life constantly changes direction and for me, I want to take that risk.


School is a funny place. It stores youth, wisdom and knowledge but at the same time there is this tiny world constructed in a whole big place. It's pretty ironic. You can't really imagine what it's like to live in the desert, or to experience war, or know what to do when someone is dying. You can possibly not know how the sky changes and how the cloud in New Zealand and Japan is different unless you've been there.


The Internet has helped us see the world virtually, easily and openly.

But at the same time it has robbed our own imagination and the real experience that exists. The people, the atmosphere, things that doesn't work out the way you've learnt. So many uncertainties exists. And yet we try to hold on to the certainty when there is none.


To see the world with your own eyes, to taste the same air and to know the people with your own heart, that's not always available at school.


This is not about me being jealous or criticising the way of schools nowadays. It's about the non-judgement perspective that we all should posses, to be open to whatever cicumstances and environment tha comes our way, to be flexible and accepting but at the same time to have this belief to believe and to trust in.


It's about my life and how I am going to live it.